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I do not claim to be a deep or original thinker and I doubt whether anything I write here will be of value to others. I think I can help myself by writing down some of my thoughts. If anybody happens to read what I have written, I do not anticipate anybody will be harmed by so doing. However, these writings may represent my private thoughts and so may not make pleasant reading for others. If you are likely to be offended by people expressing opinions that may be different to your own, please do not read any further, because I have no desire to enrage or upset anybody.
Every day I become gradually more aware of how little I know. I try to accept this with humility and to be pleased by how much there is still to learn.
I have lots of people in my life whom I consider to be friends. Some of these people I consider to be close friends and I do not think it would be inaccurate to say that I love them. However, I am confused by the idea of love and by some of the emotions I have experienced.
I recognise that emotions, including feelings of regard and friendship, can wax and wane. Hence my close friends today may be different to my close friends 15 years ago and the people I might choose to contact at the weekend might be different to those I would have contacted five years ago.
I recognise that, especially during the early stages of a friendship, I can form an infatuation for the other person. I try to bear in mind that it is likely that I do not love this person and that I hardly know them and that this infatuation is likely to pass away with time. This is often quite difficult. Sometimes these infatuations are quite brief and sometimes they last for many months. Infatuations are often one sided, but can be mutual. I think what is called unrequited love is what I would call an infatuation. Sometimes these infatuations grow into close friendships and sometimes they fade away.
I have sometimes fancied myself to be in love, in a romantic amorous sense, with another person. These relationships have sometimes grown into actual love relationships, but have not lasted. Usually my feelings have remained in place long after the close of the relationship, mixed up with various painful emotions, sometimes for many years. Sometimes these people have remained close friends and we have been happier like that. However, the feelings that I had attributed to romantic love have not remained, even though they have lasted for several years. Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations, but my ideal of romantic love is something that is everlasting (at least in terms of human lives), and I have consequently doubted that I was ever truly in love, but I still call it love, because I have no other name for it. Therefore, I feel I do not think I have ever known everlasting romantic love. Furthermore, I think that nobody can experience such love unless it is cut short by death, because you will not know whether your love is everlasting until it has been cut short by death. It might feel as if it is everlasting, but how can you be sure that it is and will be in ten, twenty or more years in the future? It is probably best to just rejoice in it rather than worrying whether it conforms to some romantic ideal.
I then am left with the problem that I think that romantic love is something that is not permanent and so I cannot represent any such feelings I have as permanent. This is a problem because I am under the impression that many people are seeking a permanent romantic relationship and I feel I cannot participate in this. I suppose it means that I should ensure that I only embark on such a relationship with somebody who has similar views to my own, otherwise I risk breaking their heart. In particular, this means that I can probably never marry because it seems to create a mockery of marriage to marry only for the time being. Perhaps the purpose of marriage should be to formalise a stable relationship for the raising of children.
I am more attracted to the idea of close friendships, with, in my experience, its longer-lasting, more stable and less painful emotions than the emotional rollercoaster and highly-charged passions often associated with romantic love.
It concerns me that many people seem to be seeking a single person with whom they can have:
This seems like a lot to ask for from a single person, especially when combined with numerous other personal preferences. I think that trying to obtain perfection seems likely to result in disappointment, especially when people seem reluctant to work hard to maintain a long-term relationship. I would like to think that those who do manage to maintain and renew their relationship will find this process and achievement rewarding. I suspect that people who are happy in their long-term relationships are more realistic in their expectations, aiming at good-enough performance rather than perfection and who recognise the satisfaction that comes with working at something that is not easy.
A relationship based upon close loving friendship and sexual attraction seems to work for many people and could form a firm basis for marriage, if those involved felt the same way about it and were honest about this with each other.
I am fortunate in not experiencing many lustful feelings when I am not actually in a sexual relationship with somebody. Hence I do not feel a longing for a sexual relationship when I do not have one. I do however on occasion, find myself regretting the absence of a special person in my life with whom I can confide, discuss our innermost thoughts and share long embraces. Perhaps this is lustful, but I do not think it is. I think it is more likely to be a build up of feelings that I have not been able to share with friends, perhaps combined with a remnant of longing for romantic love. Maybe a close companionship of this sort could be a life-long relationship that would be compatible with marriage. I think one of the most important things is to establish that those involved in any relationship have compatible aims. Ideally, discussions of these aims should happen quite early on in the relationship and again if these aims change. This can be difficult, however, because people can sometimes fall into the trap of saying what they think the other party wants to hear or saying what they think they would like to be able to say, rather than what they actually feel. Honesty can be difficult, but it is so important.
I have decided to rejoice in the friendships I have, to share friendly embraces with those friends with whom I feel we can, to banish any unrealistic longing for romantic love and to be grateful not to be missing a sexual relationship.
During a period when I was upset, I spent a few hours considering what aspects of behaviour help a relationship to strengthen and grow. I came up with the mnemonic CHALK:
As touched on above, I see the main purpose of marriage as a way to formalise a relationship to put it upon a stable footing for the raising of children and for the commencement of a sexual relationship for those people who are unable or unwilling to open themselves up in this way prior to marriage. It should signify that the people in the relationship have the desire and determination to keep their relationship strong for the long term. Of course, people can have this without marriage, but marriage can help formalise this and can be a good point at which to ensure that those involved are equally enthusiastic and have compatible aims.
I do not disapprove of the raising of children outside marriage: so long as the prospective parents do intend to provide a stable and loving environment for the children to develop.
I also do not disapprove of sexual relationships outside marriage. There can be many reasons for having a sexual relationship:
I am fortunate that the last points do not appeal or apply to me at all. I also have no current desire to raise children and, indeed, as I am not in a suitable relationship, this reason does not arise. My current friendships do not present the opportunity for the second point to apply in my life and my current low appetite for a sexual relationship thankfully means I do not actively seek to develop a friendship in this direction and I would fear to impose a sexual element on a relationship that did not have prospects for a long-term future (I would prefer to let a close loving relationship develop degrees of physical expression of that love as and when these seem appropriate). Hence I can honestly say I do not miss or currently desire a sexual relationship.
Getting back to the subject of marriage, I do see marriage as a permanent or near-permanent arrangement. This is partly because the raising of children can be a near-permanent occupation, but also because of the permanent nature of the promises that are made as part of the process. As such, I think marriage should only be undertaken by those intending to make it last.
It seems a great shame to me that many children seem to get off to a difficult start in life partly due to bad parenting. Parenting is certainly not easy and even those with adequate financial resources, appropriate education, training and support, combined with the best intentions can find it difficult. Without all these things, it must be even more so. I would like all prospective parents to have training and to demonstrate their:
This may seem like a lot to ask, but I think all children deserve parents willing and able to offer all of these things. Raising children is a long-term commitment and should not be attempted without careful consideration. I recognise that some unprepared parents have done an amazingly good job, but I feel this is the exception rather than the rule. Children deserve the best possible parenting: they are the future of the human race.
I certainly do not think I am in a position to raise children and I wish luck to those who want to face this difficult challenge. I would urge more people seeking to become parents to consider adopting rather than conceiving children, especially given the fact that the planet's population growth is out of control and that this is having a dire impact on pollution and climate change. I do recognise that raising the children that you have conceived can be a very special part of life and do not mean to condemn this in favour of adopting children, but I think it is important to highlight the option of adoption and some of its benefits. I would also urge people to think carefully about how many children they really need to fulfill their desire to become parents and for whom they have adequate resources, particularly time and money.
For me, eating is partly an act of celebrating the fruits of the Earth and the results of human endeavour. To prepare and share a meal with others is a special and intimate thing: something you do with your family, your friends and people you wish to get to know better. It is rather like sexual intercourse is for people who love each other. Thus, for me, eating in restaurants and cafés is an act of prostitution and I feel uncomfortable about it in a similar way to how some people feel uncomfortable about sexual prostitution. For me it does not compare to the pleasure of sharing a meal at home and feels somehow wrong.
Furthermore, when I have eaten out in a restaurant or café, any pleasure I have gained from the experience has been a result of the company I have shared and which would have been enhanced if we had shared a meal at home or spent the time together in some other way. The food I have eaten in restaurants and cafés is usually extremely inferior to a typical meal at home. I find it shocking that such a low level of skill is demonstrated by professionals compared with amateurs. But then, it is perhaps not so surprising: professionals do it for money, while amateurs do it for love.
Perhaps restaurants and cafés fail so dismally because they are trying to offer too many different meals to too many people too often. Maybe a more satisfying business model would be one where people arrive at particular times and partake in a meal and then pay whatever they feel is appropriate to show their gratitude for the meal they have been given.
I was brought up within an environment where the primary religious influence was the Church of England, so this brand of Christianity has played a large part in my moral and spiritual development. I find it impossible to believe in various aspects of the Bible and the ritual practices literally. For example, the thought of taking Communion and eating the flesh and drinking the blood of Jesus Christ feels too much like cannibalism to somebody like me who does not like eating any meat. I prefer to see the Bible and the teachings of Jesus Christ as non-literal moral stories that can guide us in leading our own lives. I imagine that many of the stories can be read on many different levels to have a broad appeal to many people with different levels of knowledge and understanding and recognising this can help us not to get bogged down in over-literal interpretations.
To wholly subscribe to a single religion rather than exploring others and questioning the meanings of the scriptures and the world around us for ourselves seems rather like taking a package holiday rather than having ones own adventure. Of course, package holidays are preferred by many people, especially when they provide greater certainty and probably more chance of companionship. However, being closed to learning about other beliefs makes it difficult to be tolerant or respectful of the beliefs of others and to recognise the values we share with many other people from different backgrounds.
I reckonise that there could be merit in performing repetitive rituals, but I think the most benefit from religion can come when we use its moral teachings to help guide us in how we live our lives and how we treat others. If religion is something we only do or think about once a week or even once a year, I fear that we are missing the opportunity to derive most benefit from it.
It saddens me when people seem motivated to be good largely out of fear of retribution or hope of reward in life or after death. I think that most of us do actually know what the good and right thing to do is, it is just that often we allow our own selfishness or laziness to prevent us from doing it or we fail to do the right thing because other people seem to be behaving selfishly and so we feel justified in doing likewise. We can all encourage each other to do better by setting each other good examples in our everyday lives. It sounds corny, but when we do something that is good, it can actually feel good and no further more solid reward is necessary.
I think that prayer can be beneficial for so many reasons, whether or not we believe there is a deity listening to our prayers. Making time to reflect and meditate, to think of others and to be grateful for our good fortune is likely to be worthwhile. Calmly reflecting on our problems and verbalising our desires may help us to find new solutions and to give our subconscious minds something to work on, especially if praying before sleep or doing something else.
I think that some people can derive pleasure from a communal act of worship or other similar shared experience, such as communal singing or even spectating at a cultural or sporting performance or entertainment. I find communal singing enjoyable, but I do not find many other such communal activities very enjoyable, though I have noticed that lots of people seem to enjoy the shared experience or atmosphere. I think things that can create a communal feeling while not alienating others can be very good for us, but it is sad that many such activities involve competition or create a feeling of superiority over others. I think we should be careful to avoid any feelings of aggression or alienation. I enjoy using public transport and enjoy the opportunity to share part of my journey with other people. It can also be moving to stand on the site of an ancient settlement and to think of the thousands of years of human experiences that have occurred in that place. This can really be quite mysterious. I think that experiences that encourage people to feel connections with other humans and with the planet we share can help us behave more responsibly and less selfishly. Religion can be used for this, but I think it is important to find ways that unite people of different religious beliefs and to avoid the hatred and fear of others that has been caused by (or attributed to) religious differences in the past.
It is sad that some people doubt our excessive use of resources has an impact on climate change and consequently refuse to move toward a more sustainable level of consumption. We know that climate change has happened many times in the history of our planet and yet we seem to live our lives in a way that assumes that it will not continue to change. Even if our actions were not contributing significantly to climate change, I think that we should not consume limited resources as if they were limitless. We seem to live life with a very short-term attitude. I think that those of us who live in parts of the world where it is normal to consume vast quantities of limited resources (often for very greedy or frivolous reasons) and to pollute our environment need to recognise the costs that we are creating for people in other parts of the world and for future generations. The planet does not have enough resources for everybody to consume them as wastefully as we do and so we need to drastically alter our consumption so that we can live sustainably and to help other people in the world see that they too can live comfortable lives in a sustainable way, hopefully without going through the periods of excessive consumption and pollution that we have had. Indeed, we can learn from communities that have lived sustainably with nature for many hundreds of years and not force them to follow us in our mistakes.
I think we need to change lots of things in the way our society works. We seem overly concerned about the economic growth of our country based on a measure that principally values consumption. It seems very difficult to reach sustainability while we seem so concerned to increase our consumption every year. Doing so seems likely to bring about our own demise and destruction very quickly.
Our politicians seem to spend a lot of their time working on being elected or re-elected or trying to score points from each other rather than trying to work on solutions to our problems. They also seem to be unduly influenced by representatives from wealthy businesses who seem very keen on maintaining the status quo rather than finding better ways of working.
I would like to see our parliament of elected politicians replaced by a system of randomly-picked representatives who will act in a similar way to a jury in a trial. These representatives could be selected for a fixed term, say one year, and could number between 500 and 1000 people. Debates on various issues could be held with advocates from various causes being given the chance to put forward their case, with an emphasis on evidence being scrutinised and analysed by trained civil servants. Decisions could then be made by ballots where a concensus could not be reached. I think such a system would be much more democratic and less liable to corruption and undue influence than our current system.
This page was last modified on 27 December 2011.